Sunday, February 13, 2011

transition

my life in Korea feels as far away as an alternate lifetime.

i left my home exactly 20 days ago. my safe, secure, established and accustomed life- to venture, explore and jump into the unknown. scary place.

i realized tonight that nothing in my life right now is mine, with the exception of my netbook, my clothes, all that's crammed into my purse and scattered relationships. it's captivating. it's ever-changing.

it's risky. and exhausting.

there's at least one awkward moment for me in each day whether it's reminding myself not to bow to the grocery store check out lady or pausing to accept that, in time, i won't feel so disoriented.

2 days ago i felt strong, had clarity and truly and confidently believed that everything that comes my way is significant in purpose. 7 days ago, one conversation made me feel more in touch with my heart than i think i've been since 2004.

today, i woke up with dread; it was grey outside and in my mind. i wanted to cry, eat ice cream and shut out America, everything Americana. With the exception of the fresh air. surprisingly, the clean, crisp air filtrating my lungs, breathing life into my spirit every time i step outside, has probably been the one constant. strange. and right now, i'm conflicted. how much do my feeling really matter? am i me? or am i an us?

i can already tell that this new journey is going to bring new questions that challenge the stability i had come to know in my previous life. 


i don't know why, but this ice cream cone that's been dipped in chocolate is what this feels like. 
every home, every restaurant, every store, every person engaging with me, every handshake, every conversation, every job applications feels like an attack of chocolate sauce, covering me completely, drenching me in it's opinions, values and beliefs.

my wishes:
~become a student
~become a parent
~stay at home
~practice my skills
~develop my growth areas
~listen within
~avoid the mainstream
~shut out the pressures
~be unified with my husband
~embrace the journey
~just find the destination already
~honor my values
~embrace my whole self
~paint my home
~discern my influences
~get a kitten
~cure my husband's allergies to cats
~figure out how to be free
~feel safe
~be open and flexible with everything, with each moment

obviously.....my feelings are changing as often as the Seattle rain.

i don't know if i like this place. it's uncomfortable not feeling grounded. and i'm sitting here pondering and processing and being present, in this discomfort and awkwardness.

help me Lord to know that this place will bear fruit.
help me Lord to use the abilities that you're developing in me.
help me Lord to know that i am capable.
help me Lord to remember that you love me so dearly.
help me Lord to have fun.
help me Lord to laugh.
help me Lord to know that you are ever-present and this. is necessary.

oh. and i have decided that this will be the last post for this blog, as we are no longer in pohang :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

dong seng

the emotions are coming on thick now. tomorrow is our last night in pohang.

we've been experiencing so much excitement and build up for 5 months. and the last few days the heat has seriously intensified. the sadness has come. goodbye dinners, laughing and reminiscing. hugs, tears and lots of pictures.

sleeping has sort of become impossible as i can't stop the constant thought flow. i can't stop replaying the image of each closure- with each student, parent, coworker and friend. again, i want to bottle up that feeling and keep it forever. with the sadness, comes this indescribable sweetness of sharing a special bond and knowing it can't ever be the same once i leave. i don't like leaving them; i want to grip the love forever and never let go. i don't know if i've ever experienced such generosity and loyalty in this way. it feels so undeserved. and what i am i giving in return? a goodbye! all i can conclude is that i am loved. i am liked and it is real and genuine. i think the shock in that is also what's keeping me from sleeping.

at this place in my journey, these last 5 months of bliss, i can say with sure confidence that everything Korea has brought me before August was worth it- to get here. absolutely. undoubtedly.

tonight, adam said farewell to his baseball team. wow- they looooooooooooooove him. seriously. Adam is known in the entire baseball city leagues in this area. He's known for his talent and skill. With his team, he's also known for his character and consistency both on and off the field. Even through all that broken communication, it was clear tonight that he changed that team forever.

we're both really exhausted. this emotional rollercoaster isn't slowing down any time soon, so we must relish in the moment and know that things are as they should be. we are right, exactly where we are supposed to be.

A's goodbye speech

they brought in fresh crab to go with our BBQ meat 
to celebrate A's inspiration and gift to the team

they call us Adam and wife- my name is too hard to pronounce :)

Woonji bought and signed a bat as a going-away gift

Woonji gave A the title of dong seng tonight.
the incredibly high honor of little brother.
they told him that he is family, and family lasts forever.

Woonji baseball team 2010-2011

Friday, January 21, 2011

Tropical Dramaturgy

This picture is a forecast of this spring's fashion colors and trends. I'm still not quite sure what dramaturgy is, but I like what it sounds like. Expression. Life. Drama and Presentation.
All things entertaining.

These colors feel mysterious and captivating. I imagine a rich purple gown adorned with lemon-colored dangling earrings and makeup of golds and chocolate brown. That would be bold. And, luring, I think.

A casual day at the beach:
brown and teal layers with a delicate aqua scarf.
Rolled up faded jeans and
turquoise flats.
Too much color? Not possible.
This girl belongs in Seattle!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

do you ever just want to freeze how you feel? just for a moment when it seems like you've somehow connected with sheer satisfaction and are whole with the world around you? and photograph that space so that whenever you want, you can look at what was around you and feel forever, like you did just then? tonight, the moon was in all it's fullness and i wanted so badly to have a snapshot of all my senses.
i wish i could save that feeling and know that i could revisit it whenever i want or need to be reminded of just how complete God is- and that He died for me, broke Himself and ripped away from warmth, for me, so that i could have that perfect intimacy and satisfaction with Him, one day. and then many, many more days and moments and sunsets and full moons after that.

one of the beautiful things about knowing God is building a trust, because building that trust weaves my being into an intimacy with God that He created me to crave.

the more i ask for help and direction and vulnerable wants- that seem like they have no possible way of ever being met- the more i tie myself to a God who wants me. a God who show ups. Always. Every time. Saving the day. Delivering a crisp moon on a cold winter night's drive home.

my heart is probably more open that it's ever been. and that is a comfortable place for me. that is a place of peace and rest and self-control. even more trustworthy, is knowing that my open heart is not struggling or scouting to find someone who will tell me who i am or where i should go or what the right thing to do is. this open heart is protected and strong in the Spirit, knows wisdom to be honest and make discerning choices and lastly, an ability, from the work of His hands, to thrive. thank you Jesus for believing in me.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

two days ago as i was finishing up my pumpkin apron, for fall 2011....i found myself wondering if i even know how to cook anything besides chicken, bell peppers, sour cream, taco seasoning, spinach, baked goods and apples. i think that's what we've been eating for 4 years. do i even remember the entirety of what's sold in a US grocery store? definitely not.  
And. i've been thinking a loooooooot about connection. that sort of reads like "loot" huh. well, i think you get what i'm emphasizing.


con·nect 

[kuh-nekt] verb to join, link, or fasten together; unite or bind
to join.

to link.

to unite.

i'm going to take my time joining. i'm not diving in. i'm not over-committing, opening myself up to just anything. oh yes, i'm excited. jumping up and down excited. can't sleep excited. and i am full of vibrance. energized and ready, waiting for that shot gun to go off so i can take off. however. i am finally starting to understand. i am valuable, and worth valuing. i am a gift and i will nurture it, responsibly. i'm too valuable to succumb to pressures that are far from- me. i am to valuable to waste time doing a job that little by little robs my soul. i am too valuable to choose what he, or she, or it or they are choosing, telling me, guilting me into believing is the only, one right choice. i am too valuable not to say how i feel or separate myself from ANYTHING that threatens my heart. 
i am too valuable.

it feels as though my life. my life here. the life we've built. the life surrounding me, is tied down by all these cables. big and small. i can feel every one. i can sense each of them. every one significant. in a few days, i am leaving. in every sense of the word. i am going to board an airplane, will take off from the runway and travel on that long flight over the ocean, watching every. single. cable snap out of place. one by one. and fly loose and undirected into mid-air. can't you just see it?
and so i'm giving myself time. i'm going to need time. time will help me know where i want to plug my cables in. time will help me think before i speak. time will help know how to link myself to that in which bears fruit in my life. i know i'm going to feel lost at times. confused. out of place. and sad. am i going to feel like the same person in American that i do here? am i going to feel behind? am i going to know how to be strong in a new, unfamiliar, but...natural environment? is it going to feel like i've had Alzheimer's for the past 4 years and then i wake up one morning lucid to find that everything is different, but i should know how to navigate? maybe. perhaps. yes. yes. yes. and, it's going to be good. because.......for me, there is not one right answer or right way. not anymore. not after years of believing that lie. there is an entire city and coastline full of hundreds and thousands of good, great, choices awaiting me. how flipping freeing. can i just say that again. HOW freeing. 
it's my life. my time. my journey. my heart.

if you know anything about me, it's not new news that i loooooooove people. i love a party! i love conversation, texting, photos and dancing, memories and laughter. this is by far my favorite way of connecting with this life; alongside people.
this is something i have sacrificed living in asia. not because it's asia! but.....just because. because it was the way it was supposed to be. i know, without a doubt, i will look back on this chapter of my life as being incredible transforming and beautiful in my life because i wasn't united with people- in the same way as i'd known before. in the same capacity. in the same social nature. it was one of the best things for me- to be distanced. this is a big one. how much sweeter and much more united have i felt these last 5 months having gone without? how much i've learned about truly uniting, honestly and genuinely within myself? how hopeful i am to unite with ANYTHING of my choosing. my choosing.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

flu be gone- with crafts!


rosette wreaths made from book pages

my button and pennant Christmas cards