two days ago as i was finishing up my pumpkin apron, for fall 2011....i found myself wondering if i even know how to cook anything besides chicken, bell peppers, sour cream, taco seasoning, spinach, baked goods and apples. i think that's what we've been eating for 4 years. do i even remember the entirety of what's sold in a US grocery store? definitely not.  

And. i've been thinking a loooooooot about connection. that sort of reads like "loot" huh. well, i think you get what i'm emphasizing.

con·nect 

[kuh-nekt] verb to join, link, or fasten together; unite or bind

to join.

to link.

to unite.

i'm going to take my time joining. i'm not diving in. i'm not over-committing, opening myself up to just anything. oh yes, i'm excited. jumping up and down excited. can't sleep excited. and i am full of vibrance. energized and ready, waiting for that shot gun to go off so i can take off. however. i am finally starting to understand. i am valuable, and worth valuing. i am a gift and i will nurture it, responsibly. i'm too valuable to succumb to pressures that are far from- me. i am to valuable to waste time doing a job that little by little robs my soul. i am too valuable to choose what he, or she, or it or they are choosing, telling me, guilting me into believing is the only, one right choice. i am too valuable not to say how i feel or separate myself from ANYTHING that threatens my heart. 

i am too valuable.

it feels as though my life. my life here. the life we've built. the life surrounding me, is tied down by all these cables. big and small. i can feel every one. i can sense each of them. every one significant. in a few days, i am leaving. in every sense of the word. i am going to board an airplane, will take off from the runway and travel on that long flight over the ocean, watching every. single. cable snap out of place. one by one. and fly loose and undirected into mid-air. can't you just see it?

and so i'm giving myself time. i'm going to need time. time will help me know where i want to plug my cables in. time will help me think before i speak. time will help know how to link myself to that in which bears fruit in my life. i know i'm going to feel lost at times. confused. out of place. and sad. am i going to feel like the same person in American that i do here? am i going to feel behind? am i going to know how to be strong in a new, unfamiliar, but...natural environment? is it going to feel like i've had Alzheimer's for the past 4 years and then i wake up one morning lucid to find that everything is different, but i should know how to navigate? maybe. perhaps. yes. yes. yes. and, it's going to be good. because.......for me, there is not one right answer or right way. not anymore. not after years of believing that lie. there is an entire city and coastline full of hundreds and thousands of good, great, choices awaiting me. how flipping freeing. can i just say that again. HOW freeing. 

it's my life. my time. my journey. my heart.

if you know anything about me, it's not new news that i loooooooove people. i love a party! i love conversation, texting, photos and dancing, memories and laughter. this is by far my favorite way of connecting with this life; alongside people.

this is something i have sacrificed living in asia. not because it's asia! but.....just because. because it was the way it was supposed to be. i know, without a doubt, i will look back on this chapter of my life as being incredible transforming and beautiful in my life because i wasn't united with people- in the same way as i'd known before. in the same capacity. in the same social nature. it was one of the best things for me- to be distanced. this is a big one. how much sweeter and much more united have i felt these last 5 months having gone without? how much i've learned about truly uniting, honestly and genuinely within myself? how hopeful i am to unite with ANYTHING of my choosing. my choosing.