transition

my life in Korea feels as far away as an alternate lifetime.

i left my home exactly 20 days ago. my safe, secure, established and accustomed life- to venture, explore and jump into the unknown. scary place.

i realized tonight that nothing in my life right now is mine, with the exception of my netbook, my clothes, all that's crammed into my purse and scattered relationships. it's captivating. it's ever-changing.

it's risky. and exhausting.

there's at least one awkward moment for me in each day whether it's reminding myself not to bow to the grocery store check out lady or pausing to accept that, in time, i won't feel so disoriented.

2 days ago i felt strong, had clarity and truly and confidently believed that everything that comes my way is significant in purpose. 7 days ago, one conversation made me feel more in touch with my heart than i think i've been since 2004.

today, i woke up with dread; it was grey outside and in my mind. i wanted to cry, eat ice cream and shut out America, everything Americana. With the exception of the fresh air. surprisingly, the clean, crisp air filtrating my lungs, breathing life into my spirit every time i step outside, has probably been the one constant. strange. and right now, i'm conflicted. how much do my feeling really matter? am i me? or am i an us?

i can already tell that this new journey is going to bring new questions that challenge the stability i had come to know in my previous life. 

i don't know why, but this ice cream cone that's been dipped in chocolate is what this feels like. 

every home, every restaurant, every store, every person engaging with me, every handshake, every conversation, every job applications feels like an attack of chocolate sauce, covering me completely, drenching me in it's opinions, values and beliefs.

my wishes:

~become a student
~become a parent
~stay at home
~practice my skills
~develop my growth areas
~listen within
~avoid the mainstream
~shut out the pressures
~be unified with my husband
~embrace the journey
~just find the destination already
~honor my values
~embrace my whole self
~paint my home
~discern my influences
~get a kitten
~cure my husband's allergies to cats
~figure out how to be free
~feel safe
~be open and flexible with everything, with each moment

obviously.....my feelings are changing as often as the Seattle rain.

i don't know if i like this place. it's uncomfortable not feeling grounded. and i'm sitting here pondering and processing and being present, in this discomfort and awkwardness.

help me Lord to know that this place will bear fruit.
help me Lord to use the abilities that you're developing in me.
help me Lord to know that i am capable.
help me Lord to remember that you love me so dearly.
help me Lord to have fun.
help me Lord to laugh.
help me Lord to know that you are ever-present and this. is necessary.

oh. and i have decided that this will be the last post for this blog, as we are no longer in pohang :)